A Tug-of-War

Had to slow down before I could express anything here. My head’s been everywhere, and I feel like I’m at a crossroads again. I feel pulled between what I love and what I value, and I’m not sure how to get them together. One has to go, or I’ll forever feel like I’m trying to ride two horses going in opposite directions. If only what I’m into and what I actually care about were in the same place.

 

Maybe I’m already leaning toward one. I’m just too chicken to admit it. 🤭

🤭

Sis was singing yesterday, so I threw a question about which subjects she likes and which ones she’s just curious about. She said it’s kinda like a ranking, with math on top, then English, then science.

Somehow, I remembered that chat we had last month about what she finds a bit tricky in math. She said formulas can take way too long sometimes. I was like, why didn’t she come up with a faster method then? Guess I’m rolling in with snacks and a game plan. She gets that I’m not gonna spoon-feed her, but I make the grind enjoyable.

Or else she’ll keep bugging me while I read Spy x Family.

melancholy & little joys

Snacking on fries while reading these mangas…

melancholy on an evening stroll

I went out for some fresh air and somehow ended up buying a Hot-Kid milk drink I didn’t even need. Good thing I’ve got a sister who wants this. Gonna sneak her a little candy treat after our spelling bee sesh tomorrow.

But I don’t want to celebrate my birthday because I’m still feeling the pain of losing my best friend.

A few mangas before dozing off…

"You don’t have to carry that burden on your own – I’ll shoulder half too."

"If you acquire this man’s bones, any wish will come true."

“Winning isn’t what matters! What matters is whether you gave it your all!”

the researcher

I’ve been exploring the foreign exchange world. Not sure why, but maybe it’s just the thrill of spotting patterns through numbers. Seeing how money moves, flows, and behaves feels like having X-ray vision, or at least that’s how I see it.

Tomorrow I’ll go through my map and note every currency, then binge every manga I want and ghost my little sister.

a cheeky little note

To my favorite sib,

Screw my dream job. If it means you’re on your own, it’s not worth it. I’m fine with the one nearby. After the 9-to-5 adulting, we can café-hop all we want. You can taste-test all the drinks, no coffee tho. And don’t forget your wallet. LMAO!

From your cheeky sib.

 

P.S. Elyza, I want to build a manga café, not Roblox.

whatever’s in my head

Sat, 8th Nov
oops!

There are days I feel like I just wanted to cry, or maybe just stop existing once the laundry’s done. I smile, though I don’t feel a thing. Sometimes I smile ‘cause I feel it, then sometimes just ‘cause I have to. My heart aches watching people smile and laugh, and then just fall apart. Am I now falling to pieces? I hate laundry. It’s exhausting and somehow triggers a meltdown.

 

Sun, 9th Nov
flipping moods

Why am I reading sales stuff when I could be romanticizing laziness? I guess it’s time to go back to what I really enjoy. Forget selling and all that, ’cause the part that cracks me up is how a simple ‘no’ could flip into a ‘well, why not?’ Like, one sec you’re not feelin’ me, next thing you’re laughing with me like we’re ride-or-die homies. Whatever that’s called, I’ve got it.

 

i can’t do math

Told the lil’ sis I was wearing four layers, and she’s like, “Can I see?” This little one’s really counting to make sure it’s four and woudn’t you know it, just three. Kiddo got no chill, hehe.

 

what did I even just read up to ch. 81?

“I hurt myself so much… but I’m used to it by now.” - Pumpkin Night

tears

My best friend’s gone. I cried in the bathroom ‘cause I didn’t want my sister to see me. I don’t want her remembering Princess and Coco again. She felt like an older sister to me, and I know no one else will ever be like her. Sometimes I wonder why angels keep finding me. Maybe I’m too dark, or maybe they’re too kind. I don’t know what else to say, or if I should’ve said anything at all

Tonight I’ll read until tears blur the words and I drift off before I even know it.

the watcher & the reader

Entry 1: What You Don’t See

Lately, I’ve been trying to understand the situations that push younger girls to sell themselves. Some work at clubs or businesses; others do it to get by.

If you flip how you see it, you’ll catch things most people don’t see. That’s when you notice, people are getting pushed to act like machines, and machines are turning into humans. We’re cooked.

 

Entry 2: Reading Spree

Since yesterday, I’ve been reading 7 volumes of Homunculus and now I’m on volume 10 of I Am a Hero. I might just go wild and finish ’em all this week. Anyways, gotta get my second tetanus shot tomorrow, so I’m thinking of reading some random mangas after and snagging some donuts and coffee.

You into any manga right now?

Manga & Lil Sis

My birthday month’s finally here. I’m just gonna read and enjoy as many mangas as I can this time. Oh shoot, I almost forgot I got a lil sister. 🤭

I got sleepy and napped earlier this afternoon, and when I woke up close to 6, I found a meal box sitting on my table with her handwriting that read ‘To Ate Iya From Elyza.’ (｡•́‿•̀｡)

Then she’s back, snacking on a Nutella sandwich and reading Wild Strawberry right beside me while mostly talking. 🙃

"The pain of losing family, of losing a sibling… I know it too."

"That black sky up there… it acts as a lid over everyone’s hearts. But if you push all strangers away, your world gets smaller."

"There’s more than one way… to be a hero. You only have to help those in need and put an end to their tears."