Jan 30–31

 

 I’ve realized that whenever I need to get things off my chest, I usually just sing or put on some piano or violin pieces. Especially when I think about things way too much. I let it pass me by, kinda like clouds floating by letting tap water pour over my hands to feel the cold.

Around 11 AM

Ang sarap lang talaga kumain ng fish balls, kwek-kwek, tsaka tokwa na may sweet-spicy sauce sa kanto.

 

Afternoon energy

Elyza and I were playing a spelling game over a pack of spicy nuts. One thing led to another, and we made Spam musubi even though we were missing half the ingredients. She had four pieces, I had two with iced coffee. As usual, she shared story after story right up until she got sleepy, and that was my sign to binge-watch Beyond Evil.

 

She’s destined for the courtroom

I 

One time she caught a classmate cheating (who actually had a crush on her) and said, 'You’re aware this is cheating, right?' 

I bet his soul left his body for a sec.

II

We’ve been having some real talk these past few days, and I was honestly surprised when she said she wouldn’t even bother saying sorry to anyone if it wasn’t for me. I was like, “Why though?” ’cause I’ve always coached her to answer a question with a question anyway. I’m not even gonna try to explain her answer. But it felt like everyone around me got life sentences, and somehow I’m innocent.

From crime scenes to cookies

I was watching a murder case while my little sist played a cookie game next to me, giving me a play-by-play of her game. Now I’m trying to process murder on one side and her Cookie Run: Kingdom team on the other. She even tells me about the school dance and shows off her moves whether I asked or not (I didn’t).

It's the same energy in the morning, too. I’ve just been asking her to wake me up before she goes to school, but I still sleep anyway. 🤣

Well, it’s been a whole year of annoying the life out of each other. I was supposed to move out by now, but seeing her kinda feels like seeing my younger self. And since I know all too well what it felt like when my dad left, I’m just not gonna let her go through that.

Brain bribes

 

 I walked by the school earlier and couldn't resist the Spam musubi. My brain simply won't sign the contract to study cases unless there's food involved. Got some candies for my sib too, but she only gets the goods if she proves she can study solo.

Thoughts Jan 22–25

The Third Perspective

Found a case that actually made me smile. Not because I agree with the cop, but because the other side's perspective is so clever. It reminds me that we all got blind spots. What you’re struggling to see is exactly what the person next to you thinks is so obvious.

 

The Unpaid Investigator

I’ve taken my meds and grabbed some spicy chicken, sponge cake, plus some warm dark chocolate on the side. Even though I’m not feeling well, I still get a kick out of going through cases and breaking them down. It’s kind of funny how I didn’t end up in law enforcement, psych, or just nerding out in a lab, fixated on microbes.

 

The other side of the coin

Five people who shared a trauma that would break most people's minds. They were tortured to the bone, violated, starved, and left worse than pigs. Sexual violence was inflicted on the women, as if breaking them once wasn’t enough.

History’s just a cycle of the same horrors. The ones in control exploit, the helpless are dehumanized. After watching people turn into monsters, they decided to rewrite justice themselves.

And now the question is yours to face. By what measure would you judge them? What if it was you and your sister sounding like dying animals in those cages? Would you still be able to sleep knowing no one did a damn thing?

You really think I’d go along with that? I haven’t shown you the other side of the coin.

 

Just a little update for tonight

I had yogurt with banana ’cause I had a tummy ache. Anyways, I had a solid 2-hour nap earlier. I really thought I could get through a bunch of cases today, though. Oh well, at least two is better than nothing. For now, I’m just gonna squeeze in an episode of "Girl From Nowhere" or maybe even watch "Kanako" too, then I’m out.

🎵

 

I’ve been humming this non-stop. This song is the only thing keeping me from getting weighed down by the cases I've been dissecting lately. 

Love and loss are the same string

 

It’s scary how a song can just come out of nowhere and trigger exactly what you’re afraid of.

I heard it for the first time last night, and it made me cry. I guess it's just easier to let it out this way. When I write, it feels like I’m just talking to a friend over coffee I’m pulling up a chair to talk to someone I’m really comfortable with, and i guess the song just sets the scene for what I’m actually scared of.

It was heartbreaking seeing her so lost, like she was losing her mind right there in the hospital hallway. It’s like everything inside her just stopped to the point where she forgot how to even function. Wala nang natira kundi yung shock. That alone already broke her, but the rejection from her family was the final blow. What do you even do when the person you love is just... dying right there in front of you?

That’s when I realized that loving someone this much means one day, you'll have to lose this much, too.

🎵

 

Iba yung hampas ng bentilador sa mukha habang nagso-soundtrip, parang nasa bintana ka lang ng ordinary bus na humaharurot sa highway. I just felt like writing whatever because I’m just feeling really good today.

 

I suppose whether I’m happy, sad, or yung parang lutang lang, I'll most likely just be typing or writing something. I’m not as good at writing as some people I see, but I don’t really mind. To me, it’s just like a puzzle game. Basta nag-e-enjoy ako, I don’t really care beyond that.

I see these things like a puzzle, and that’s how I write. Parang ganito yung itsura ng puzzle sa isip ko: I'd much rather be with / someone who makes me laugh / over someone who’s just for the aesthetic / and nothing else.

S-Rank solitude

Pag napapansin ko na sobrang seryoso ko na, I just listen to music and sing along. I thought it was just about getting into a better headspace. Ngayon ko lang nagets, para pala 'kong hinihigop ng music papunta sa paborito kong spot.

I just close my eyes and I’m in this huge field of grass yung sobrang lawak, puro puno lang ang tanaw mo, tapos nakahiga ka lang sa damuhan habang ramdam na ramdam mo yung lamig ng hangin.

Okay din naman isipin na may kasama, pero iba pa rin kasi yung saya kapag komportable ka kahit ikaw lang mag-isa. Yung state na wala ka nang gustong baguhin sa moment na yun.

My father used to say that love for someone special only works if you're actually okay with being alone first. Yung hindi mo ginagamit yung ibang tao bilang distraction sa boredom mo.

Respawning soon

Feeling ko undercover mission ito na lumagpas na sa deadline. 

I’ve spent years playing a character in a simulation who’s just at a desk all day, while my actual soul is a scientist-slash-profiler stuck in the wrong career level. I’m just waiting for the devs to fix this glitch and spawn me. So I can finally use my forensic brain for something other than profiling my neighbors.

Sometimes I sit and wonder why I never gave criminology or forensic behavioral science a shot when I was younger. I even feel that same way about molecular biology and genetics. And I’m starting to get that same itch for cybersecurity, too. Why do these fields feel like déjà vu? It’s like I’m just revisiting a job I had in a past life.

case file #02

There’s this case I ran into the other day that left a weird taste in my mouth. Was it even the killing that got to me? Not really. It was watching how extreme love can be just as unsettling as extreme violence.

Most people felt they understood why the father swapped places with his daughter and staged the crime as his own. Kasi diba, sinong ama ang hindi handang maging halimaw para lang protektahan ang kaisa-isa niyang anak? Most were quick to praise him, saying anyone else would have just saved their own skin. But he didn’t. Some were like, you can’t really know… not until it’s your kid in the fire, and you can’t just look away.

Kapag nakita mong nasusunog ang anak mo (literal o figurative), hindi magse-set up ng Excel sheet ang utak mo para i-calculate lang ang pros and cons. Bago pa makapag-isip ang logic mo, nakatalon ka na sa apoy.

While most were busy romanticizing the sacrifice, a few kept questioning why a murder cover-up was being hyped as heroic. Honestly, I noticed myself wanting to admire the father. But I didn’t. I’m neither the dad nor part of the crowd. All I did was watch what the story brought up in people. 

case file 01: a girl who just happened to be born in the wrong house

 There was this case of a girl who went through abuse from her father and was just abandoned by her mother. Somewhere along the way, she stopped being able to feel for other people. It’s like her heart carried too much pain and had to close. On the outside she went about life like any other student, even covering her own tuition. By the time she graduated college, she had learned how to look okay on the outside, even though inside, she was living in her own hell.

 

Anyone can have their opinion about her crime. That’s their take, not mine. Deciding who deserves hell isn’t my job anyway. I’m not here to play judge. I’m trying to understand how hell gets built inside a person.

 

Kinda explains why people-watching’s my thing. Not that I’m wondering what they’re really feeling or trying to read them or anything. I’m no Sherlock Holmes, geez. I just like watching the cause and effect of people’s choices. That’s it.

High-stimulus learner

Painom na sana ako ng tubig nung sumulpot kapatid ko galing school. Parang may dalang breaking news, biglang sabi, “Ate iya, 24 lang ako sa Math test. Out of 50.”

 

I just let it slide. When your little sis trusts you, there’s no need to ask anything.

Since I annoy her almost every day, I get to observe a few things about her. 

She never backs down from a challenge. 

She doesn’t fold under pressure. 

But if something bores her, you won’t even see the life in her face. 

 

 

I wonder if solo test-taking bores my nemesis 😆

Danger in disguise

Last year, I came across two cases. One was a college student in an old neighborhood who was raped and had her money stolen by a plumber she had believed she could trust. The other was a girl in a condo who was killed by a close friend who had access to her place.

Sometimes I think “safe” is just a word we like to believe in.

One victim trusted a stranger who appeared helpful. The other trusted someone they thought they knew well.

This made me pause and think about how I’d explain this to Elyza. But instead of just telling her that trust isn’t something you hand out like candy, I’d rather ask, “How would you navigate that?”

Elyza

 

Little sis’s the only one from her class heading to the Math contest again. And now I’m hyped ’cause she’ll be up against other math students from different branches. I asked her if she’s struggling with other problems, so I can cook up a game plan. She said she’s dealing with like five or ten. And now I’m more curious about that stuff than who she’s up against. So I just gotta hang on ’til Friday to get the modules and reviewers.

Anyways, kiddo’s getting some ice cream tomorrow for being honest, and another one Friday. 

Forward-Facing

 

So I kinda didn’t take care of my health this past year.

Instead of fasting, I just kept eating stuff that’s useless for my body and barely walked all week. Kinda sucks that I haven’t really thought about jogging like I used to. I’d jog every other morning and go on long walks like three times a week. What did I even do with all the health advice I learned from Sinclair and Dr. Jamnadas? Oh well, no regrets. Never been one to cry over spilt milk anyway. I just like trying stuff out, and I either test things out or go all in and try everything once.

🎵

 

I’m just gonna sing along for now, ‘cause my brain’s still half asleep. Can’t even pick between toast or peanut butter sandwich rn. You’re probably wondering if it’s kinda tough to sing along in another language.

Well, I just sing over and over till it stops sounding like gibberish. Kahit medyo mali pa, wala namang pakialam ang roommate ko. 😆

Quiet ≠ Weak

 

I’m not sure how to say it, but being an observer just feels more like me. Even back in elementary, I already knew I’d rather just sit back than be the focus. I’d usually just pass the answer to someone else instead of being the one to speak up.

But there was this one time in high school where I was walking into class and this girl and her friends laughed, asking if Elaine and I had reviewed our notes. I forgot what else she was yapping about, but I remember how it felt. You just know that look when someone is laughing at your expense.

Elaine and I were introverts, and we honestly looked like total pushovers, haha. But then, I just told them to test me on the spot. After four or five questions, she realized she was barking up the wrong tree. 

Anyway, it all turned out fine. Cynthia and I weren’t exactly friends, but she’d always smile at me from then on.

 

 

tea & that flashback mood

 

Afternoon tea to the rescue

I just couldn’t focus on what I was observing earlier. I was up, but the interest just wasn’t there. It’s like looking at something simple but feeling like it’s written in Egyptian hieroglyphics. So, I’m just having tea and watching stuff for now.

 

We're each other's first call whenever we find someone we like

Kanina lang, naka-chika ko yung close friend ko nung high school. Alam mo yung pag may bet kayo, puro delulu talk lang tapos tawa nang tawa, akala mo kami lang tao sa mundo?

Bigla ko tuloy naalala yung sa jeep kami dati, tapos sinuotan niya ako ng bracelet out of nowhere. Natulala pa yung girl sa harap namin, akala mo siya yung sinuotan ng bracelet. Mukha tuloy kaming mag-jowa non. Minsan naiisip ko, bakit nga ba hindi? May chemistry naman kahit sa jeep lang. HAHAHA

Just ended up writing this

 

Mukhang survival skill pala ni Tatay yung pagkanta. Kwento niya, pag galit si nanay kumanta ka na lang to save your life. Even though he hardly ever talks about her, I can feel his heartache. I was just a little kid back then when Nanay wasn’t around anymore. Still, Tatay never went on to be with someone else.

Is this gonna be my fate too?

Kanta-kanta muna

Oh why haven’t I forgotten? 🎵

  

I am not perfect
But I’m willing to learn 🎵

iba talaga ang tama ng bagong taon

 

These are the cases I end up watching in my free time

“…what we are searching for isn’t a person but the only hope in the difficult lives of the millions of families behind the missing people.”

“You’ve got a person dead from cyanide poisoning, but you can’t figure out when or where the poison got slipped to her? It means the poison was already in her body.”

“I’m the kind who either doesn’t begin something, or if  do, I have to see it through to the end.”

Mas gusto ko na mag-jasmine tea kesa mag-iced coffee bigla. Sign na kaya 'to na kailangan ko na ng maintenance? (Haha) Tapos imbes na donut, suman na 'tong hawak ko ngayon.

Kagabi nga, hindi ako nakapag-seafood at bbq. Ang hirap kaya mamili 'pag buffet-style ang handaan. Tinamad na 'ko pati kumuha ng plato.

And somehow, I’ve noticed I don’t enjoy coke or rootbeer anymore. I’m okay with just warm water now. Is this what getting older feels like? Or maybe, I’ve just watched too many videos about obesity to know that processed sugar is just bad news for my arteries and DNA. So why would I even go back to the way I used to snack?