Jan 30–31

 

I’ve realized that whenever I need to get things off my chest, I usually just sing or put on some piano or violin pieces. Especially when I think about things way too much. I let it pass me by, kinda like clouds floating by letting tap water pour over my hands to feel the cold.

Around 11 AM

Ang sarap lang talaga kumain ng fish balls, kwek-kwek, tsaka tokwa na may sweet-spicy sauce sa kanto.

 

Afternoon energy

So, Elyza and I were playing a spelling game over a pack of spicy nuts. One thing led to another, and we made Spam musubi even though we were missing half the ingredients. She had four pieces, I had two with iced coffee. As usual, she shared story after story right up until she got sleepy, and that was my sign to binge-watch Beyond Evil.

She’s destined for the courtroom

We’ve been having some real talk these past few days, and I was honestly surprised when she said she wouldn’t even bother saying sorry to anyone if it wasn’t for me. I was like, “Why though?” ’cause I’ve always coached her to answer a question with a question anyway. I’m not even gonna try to explain her answer. But it felt like everyone around me got life sentences, and somehow I’m innocent. 🤭

Like that one time she caught a classmate cheating (who actually had a crush on her) and said, 'You’re aware this is cheating, right?' I bet his soul left his body for a sec.

From crime scenes to cookies

 

I was watching a murder case while my little sister played a cookie game next to me, giving me a play-by-play of her game. Now I’m trying to process murder on one side and her Cookie Run: Kingdom team on the other. She even tells me about the school dance and shows off her moves whether I asked or not (I didn’t).

It's the same energy in the morning, too. I’ve just been asking her to wake me up before she goes to school, but I still sleep anyway. 🤣

Well, it’s been a whole year of annoying the life out of each other. I was supposed to move out by now, but seeing her kinda feels like seeing my younger self. And since I know all too well what it felt like when my dad left, I’m just not gonna let her go through that.

Brain Bribes

 

I walked by the school earlier and couldn't resist the Spam musubi. My brain simply won't sign the contract to study cases unless there's food involved. Yeah, it’s a total bribe.

Got some candies for my sib too, but she only gets the goods if she proves she can study solo. Pretty much using candy as a silencer for her before I lose my last remaining brain cell. 🤭 🍭

Diary of Thoughts, Jan 22–25

 

The Third Perspective

Found a case that actually made me smile. Not because I agree with the cop, but because the other side's perspective is so clever. It reminds me that we all got blind spots. What you’re struggling to see is exactly what the person next to you thinks is so obvious.

 

The Unpaid Investigator

I’ve taken my meds and grabbed some spicy chicken, sponge cake, plus some warm dark chocolate on the side. Even though I’m not feeling well, I still get a kick out of going through cases and breaking them down. It’s kind of funny how I didn’t end up in law enforcement, psych, or just nerding out in a lab, fixated on microbes.

The other side of the coin

Five people who shared a trauma that would break most people's minds. They were tortured to the bone, violated, starved, and left worse than pigs. Sexual violence was inflicted on the women, as if breaking them once wasn’t enough.

History’s just a cycle of the same horrors. The ones in control exploit, the helpless are dehumanized. After watching people turn into monsters, they decided to rewrite justice themselves.

And now the question is yours to face. By what measure would you judge them? What if it was you and your sister sounding like dying animals in those cages? Would you still be able to sleep knowing no one did a damn thing?

You really think I’d go along with that? I haven’t shown you the other side of the coin.

 

Just a little update for tonight

I had yogurt with banana ’cause I had a tummy ache. Anyways, I had a solid 2-hour nap earlier. I really thought I could get through a bunch of cases today, though. Oh well, at least two is better than nothing. For now, I’m just gonna squeeze in an episode of "Girl From Nowhere" or maybe even watch "Kanako" too, then I’m out.

🎧 ✨

 

I’ve been humming this non-stop. This song is the only thing keeping me from getting weighed down by the cases I've been dissecting lately.

Love and loss are the same string

 

It’s scary how a song can just come out of nowhere and trigger exactly what you’re afraid of. I heard it for the first time last night, and it made me cry. I guess it's just easier to let it out this way. When I write, it feels like I’m just talking to a friend over coffee I’m pulling up a chair to talk to someone I’m really comfortable with, and i guess the song just sets the scene for what I’m actually scared of.

It was heartbreaking seeing her so lost, like she was losing her mind right there in the hospital hallway. It’s like everything inside her just stopped to the point where she forgot how to even function. Wala nang natira kundi yung shock. That alone already broke her, but the rejection from her family was the final blow.

What do you even do when the person you love is just... dying right there in front of you? That’s when I realized that loving someone this much means one day, you'll have to lose this much, too.

🎧😌

 

Iba yung hampas ng bentilador sa mukha habang nagso-soundtrip, parang nasa bintana ka lang ng ordinary bus na humaharurot sa highway. I just felt like writing whatever because I’m just feeling really good today.

 

I suppose whether I’m happy, sad, or yung parang lutang lang, I'll most likely just be typing or writing something. I’m not as good at writing as some people I see, but I don’t really mind. To me, it’s just like a puzzle game. Basta nag-e-enjoy ako, I don’t really care beyond that.

I see these things like a puzzle, and that’s how I write. Parang ganito yung itsura ng puzzle sa isip ko: I'd much rather be with / someone who makes me laugh / over someone who’s just for the aesthetic / and nothing else.

 

S-Rank Solitude

Pag napapansin ko na sobrang seryoso ko na, I just listen to music and sing along. I thought it was just about getting into a better headspace. Ngayon ko lang nagets, para pala 'kong hinihigop ng music papunta sa paborito kong spot.

I just close my eyes and I’m in this huge field of grass yung sobrang lawak, puro puno lang ang tanaw mo, tapos nakahiga ka lang sa damuhan habang ramdam na ramdam mo yung lamig ng hangin.

Okay din naman isipin na may kasama, pero iba pa rin kasi yung saya kapag komportable ka kahit ikaw lang mag-isa. Yung state na wala ka nang gustong baguhin sa moment na yun.

My father used to say that love for someone special only works if you're actually okay with being alone first. Yung hindi mo ginagamit yung ibang tao bilang distraction sa boredom mo.

 

 

Respawning Soon?

Feeling ko undercover mission ito na lumagpas na sa deadline. 

I’ve spent years playing a character in a simulation who’s just at a desk all day, while my actual soul is a scientist-slash-profiler stuck in the wrong career level. I’m just waiting for the devs to fix this glitch and spawn me. So I can finally use my forensic brain for something other than profiling my neighbors.

Sometimes I sit and wonder why I never gave criminology or forensic behavioral science a shot when I was younger. I even feel that same way about molecular biology and genetics. And I’m starting to get that same itch for cybersecurity, too. Why do these fields feel like déjà vu? It’s like I’m just revisiting a job I had in a past life.

case file #02

 

There’s this case I ran into the other day that left a weird taste in my mouth. Was it even the killing that got to me? Not really. It was watching how extreme love can be just as unsettling as extreme violence.

Most people felt they understood why the father swapped places with his daughter and staged the crime as his own. Kasi diba, sinong ama ang hindi handang maging halimaw para lang protektahan ang kaisa-isa niyang anak? Most were quick to praise him, saying anyone else would have just saved their own skin. But he didn’t. Some were like, you can’t really know… not until it’s your kid in the fire, and you can’t just look away.

Kapag nakita mong nasusunog ang anak mo (literal o figurative), hindi magse-set up ng Excel sheet ang utak mo para i-calculate lang ang pros and cons. Bago pa makapag-isip ang logic mo, nakatalon ka na sa apoy.

While most were busy romanticizing the sacrifice, a few kept questioning why a murder cover-up was being hyped as heroic. Honestly, I noticed myself wanting to admire the father. But I didn’t. I’m neither the dad nor part of the crowd. All I did was watch what the story brought up in people. 

case file #01: a friend who just happened to be born in the wrong house

 

There was this case of a girl who went through abuse from her father and was just abandoned by her mother. Somewhere along the way, she stopped being able to feel for other people. It’s like her heart carried too much pain and had to close. On the outside she went about life like any other student, even covering her own tuition. By the time she graduated college, she had learned how to look okay on the outside, even though inside, she was living in her own hell.

 

Anyone can have their opinion about her crime. That’s their take, not mine. Deciding who deserves hell isn’t my job anyway. I’m not here to play judge. I’m trying to understand how hell gets built inside a person.

 

Kinda explains why people-watching’s my thing. Not that I’m wondering what they’re really feeling or trying to read them or anything. I’m no Sherlock Holmes, geez. I just like watching the cause and effect of people’s choices. That’s it.